Self Harm

I know this blog is about drug and alcohol addiction, but there is another form of addiction I suffered and feel like talking about today. I looked through my old e-mails and saw one I e-mailed to myself. "Why do I self harm? I am not even sure myself. I think here is why:

1. I take pleasure in  seeing my scars. It feels like they should be there.

2. I feel that I am used to, susceptible and meant to be abused.

3. To prove that I am not okay. I want the inside to look like the outside. I'm not fake.

4. I like to have a secret with myself that nobody knows, I get a high off planning when to do it..how to hide it etc.

5. I feel peaceful and relaxed when its over. Sometimes, I laugh."
I think I knew it was crazy, but was trying to make sense of it all. I could not imagine stopping to self harm. I did not know how. Here are my responses to myself now that I am recovered.

 I take pleasure in  seeing my scars. It feels like they should be there
 1. You will have scars from surgery (which now past) and other events that are memorable. You do not need to decide what marks should remain on your body. Feelings are not facts! 

I feel that I am used to, susceptible and meant to be abused.
2. G-d did not put people in this world to be abused. It's unfortunate it happens. A lot of bad things happen in the world. You are strong, smart and able to make a change based on your experiences. Look how many people you have helped already in your life.

 To prove that I am not okay. I want the inside to look like the outside. I'm not fake.
3. Okay, so let's find out why you are not okay, and what you are searching for. Scars will not help the situation. Use your words.

 I like to have a secret with myself that nobody knows, I get a high off planning when to do it..how to hide it etc
4. Your secrets keep you sick.

  I feel peaceful and relaxed when its over. Sometimes, I laugh.
5. That is immediate gratification. Afterwards, you feel even worse than before. It is a vicious cycle, that allows demons into your heart. Go to a meeting- you'll feel a way better relaxed.

Do you have an old journal, e-mails or even texts that you can look back on to see how much better you are now? Challenge your old thinking, it will help you help others who are still stuck in that dark place.