Why A/A Meetings Work In A Nutshell

(Note: I am sure other meetings such as N/A and others work the same way, however I am most familiar with A/A so I am basing my thoughts off my A/A meetings.)

There are four dimensions to the mind: perception, thoughts, behavior and affect.
Perception is the strongest influence and affect is the weakest.

 Perception is how you view the world, make connections between events and comprehend what is around you. Based on your perception, you have thoughts. For example, if someone reads your text and does not reply for a couple hours, and you perceive that to be rude, you will think, "What a rude a$s bi#!h!"

Thoughts cause actions. If we continue with the same example, your action may be to delete the person from social media or ignore when the response finally does come through.

Actions trigger emotions, which to continue with the same example, may trigger anger, jealousy or sadness.

Now, if I told you, your friend did not reply because he/she was in a car accident and is in the hospital in critical condition, your perception changes. Instead of thinking of the person as rude, you think about how sorry you are that that happened to them. Your action may be to give a call or go visit. Your emotions will be of concern or pity.

Perception changes the domino effect. Addicts and Alcoholics have an "action" (behavior) problem because our perception and thoughts are inaccurate.
Meetings help put our perspective back in reality, thereby changing our thoughts to be more positive and accurate which changes our actions and then feelings.

Distorted Thinking Part 5

This part is about,"jumping to conclusions."  Jumping to conclusions is when you make a negative interpretation even though there are no facts to support your conclusion. This causes me distress. If I don't hear from a friend for awhile I conclude,"She doesn't want to talk to me anymore." It makes me sad, makes me isolate and makes me hate people- and what for?! I need to realize this is a distorted thought! I called a friend I hadn't heard from in awhile, and who I assumed did not want to be in contact. We had a great conversation. She misses me very much, and thinks about me. She had been to busy to pick up the phone, and was grateful I called. So, I sat with that resentment for awhile because of a false conclusion.
So crazy.
 
(source: http://www.changethethought.com/tag/sculpture/)

Do you ever find yourself jumping to conclusions or am I a total nut?

Note On Step 4

I am on Step 4 now. I find it hard finding my part, in the resentments I still hold towards others. Some things (such as abuse) were completely not my fault. My sponsor said your part can be that you are still holding onto this resentment, and letting it affect your life!

It is taking me awhile to complete this step. It is bringing up a lot of ugly feelings. I can't wait to be rid of them!

Dear Me

Even after all the treatment and therapy I had, I still struggle with self worth. I feel undeserving of love and life. I hate when these negative thoughts and feelings overwhelm my mind. I read an article where they wrote I should write a letter to myself as if a compassionate and kind friends was writing it. Here goes,

Hi!
I heard you're feeling kind of blue. Depression is one evil motherf$!*?r
I just want to say that you are a great person, you help your friends when they are struggling, you care about people. You are needed in this world girl. You have a lot to offer, you already helped so many people and you know it, do I need to write a list? Even just by being you, you inspire others. (Remember J said she wishes she was always so upbeat/happy like you?) You appreciate art. You are a fantastic writer and have big dreams for the future. Wherever you go people fall in love with you.
Don't let yourself fall! Your thoughts are WRONG!
Okay? k great.
Love you!!
xoxoxo

Self Harm

I know this blog is about drug and alcohol addiction, but there is another form of addiction I suffered and feel like talking about today. I looked through my old e-mails and saw one I e-mailed to myself. "Why do I self harm? I am not even sure myself. I think here is why:

1. I take pleasure in  seeing my scars. It feels like they should be there.

2. I feel that I am used to, susceptible and meant to be abused.

3. To prove that I am not okay. I want the inside to look like the outside. I'm not fake.

4. I like to have a secret with myself that nobody knows, I get a high off planning when to do it..how to hide it etc.

5. I feel peaceful and relaxed when its over. Sometimes, I laugh."
I think I knew it was crazy, but was trying to make sense of it all. I could not imagine stopping to self harm. I did not know how. Here are my responses to myself now that I am recovered.

 I take pleasure in  seeing my scars. It feels like they should be there
 1. You will have scars from surgery (which now past) and other events that are memorable. You do not need to decide what marks should remain on your body. Feelings are not facts! 

I feel that I am used to, susceptible and meant to be abused.
2. G-d did not put people in this world to be abused. It's unfortunate it happens. A lot of bad things happen in the world. You are strong, smart and able to make a change based on your experiences. Look how many people you have helped already in your life.

 To prove that I am not okay. I want the inside to look like the outside. I'm not fake.
3. Okay, so let's find out why you are not okay, and what you are searching for. Scars will not help the situation. Use your words.

 I like to have a secret with myself that nobody knows, I get a high off planning when to do it..how to hide it etc
4. Your secrets keep you sick.

  I feel peaceful and relaxed when its over. Sometimes, I laugh.
5. That is immediate gratification. Afterwards, you feel even worse than before. It is a vicious cycle, that allows demons into your heart. Go to a meeting- you'll feel a way better relaxed.

Do you have an old journal, e-mails or even texts that you can look back on to see how much better you are now? Challenge your old thinking, it will help you help others who are still stuck in that dark place.

Distorted Thinking Part 4

 

The 4th distorted thinking behavior I learned is disqualifying the positive. This is when," You reject positive experiences by insisting they "don't count" for some reason or other. You maintain a negative belief that is contradicted by your everyday experiences."
                                 
                               
(source: https://www.etsy.com/listing/183675245/french-vintage-postcard-a-boy-and-a-girl)

    In the past, when people gave me a compliment I dismissed it by thinking they're lying, just trying to be nice etc. When I accomplished something I said it "was no bid deal." I never let myself feel proud or say "thank you" and mean it.

Today at the meeting, the discussion was stigma of alcoholism and addiction. Many people shared experiences of people making nasty, uneducated comments to them. I remembered events where people said condescending things about addicts to me, not knowing I was one. I felt as if I was punched in the gut. I started thinking this disease is the worst possible thing, people are unkind and how can I live afraid for people to find out that I am an addict and an alcoholic.

I realized I was thinking only of the negative! There are so many beautiful things about recovery. I am stronger than most people who don't wake up every morning with demons on their shoulders. I am happy. I am accomplishing my goals. Who cares that some people judge, there are plenty who don't- look at everyone in the rooms! When I don't disqualify the positive, I feel lighter.

I hope, if you are reading this, that
1. You educate yourself about addiction
2. Notice if you disqualify the positive in situations in your life.

Compassion

Being cold hearted was a safety blanket I wrapped around myself. If I did not care about you, nothing you did to me bothered me. I did not care about people's pain. I did not even care about my own.
What happened, was that resentment, anger and aggression built up in me. I became a walking time bomb. I was irritable.

 Having compassion towards others, let me put my guard down. I realized I have the ability to help people. I recognized that most people are nice and are not out to get me. I am still learning to set borders so that I don't drown in others pain. Still, I pray for the sick and suffering. I offer encouragement to those going through hard times. I try to help people.

Compassion for others helped me develop compassion for myself. I hug myself, I meditate  and I encourage myself in my head. I treat myself the way I treat others. I am filled with confidence.

I read an article by the Dalai Lama on compassion, and it inspired to be more compassionate towards others, since I was falling back into carelessness.

What are some ways you show compassion to others when they are in pain?
How do you show compassion to yourself?

Distorted Thinking Part 3

For today's distorted thinking, I am focusing on the mental filter. This is when you "pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively so that your vision of all reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that discolors the entire beaker of water."

In my beginning days of rehab, I was upset because my blanket was uncomfortable. It felt like cardboard. I was so hung up on this single negative detail that I did not appreciate the weather, nice people, interesting group topics and my sobriety. Overtime, I realized that it is not what is important and got passed it by focusing on the many beautiful things happening. This is one example of many times my mind focused only on the negative.

Assignment:
If you are upset about something see if there is something you are able to do to change it. If not, let go. Don't let it hold you back from the good that is also surely happening around you. Write down 2 good things that happened to you today.

Here are mine: 1. I went to a meeting today even though I did not feel like going. It was the best meeting I have ever been to. 2. I got a haircut yesterday, and today when I woke up it was still in it's perfect condition from the salon :)

Distorted Thinking Part 2

I am focusing a few lessons on distorted thinking because I think this knowledge is vital for recovery.
                 (Source:http://art365.joeuser.com/article/313434/The_Best_Contortionist_Ever_New_distorted_human_body_pattern_painting_2008)

Today I am reviewing overgeneralization. This means: "You see a single negative event as a never - ending pattern of defeat." 

I overgeneralize many things, which causes me anxiety for nothing. For example, if I have a bad experience with a guy, I think, "All guys are bad." I get angry, and push away opportunities which may prove to be positive. I should think to myself in such a situation, "He was not a good guy, but that does not mean ALL guys are bad. There are billions of guys in the world. There is definitely at least one guy who will treat you the way you want to be treated."

I am an addict, so when I overgeneralize and it causes me stress and hopelessness, I turn to a substance or an action to use compulsively to calm me down. It turns out causing me even more stress, depression in the long run. And for what? Overgeneralizing a situation.

Note to self: One day, a guy WILL fall in love with you. Not all guys are assholes.  ;) 

Assignment:
Do you overgeneralize? (List at least 2 examples.)

Distorted Thinking Part 1

                                  
          (Source:  http://dimaculanganpaolo.blogspot.com/2012_12_01_archive.html)

Our minds seem like their own person, talking to us. It took me awhile to accept that my thoughts were not always accurate. In fact, they usually were not. My thinking was distorted. It still is, except now I can recognize it and change the thoughts.

Today I am focusing on All-or-nothing thinking:
This means:"You see things in black or white categories. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure."

I  thought like this a lot. For example, if I baked a cake and it flopped. I thought, "I can not bake." and did not try it again. When I was little, Math did not come easy to me and so I said, "I am not good at math." and shut down. I did not try and study more, or give myself time to develop the skill. Because I was in all-or-nothing thinking. I am either good at something or not. Also, when I was struggling with my religion, it was either I followed all the strict rules, or did nothing- even went against it.

I'm smirking to myself now writing this. I gave up drugs and alcohol. Cigarettes are not required to be given up in recovery. But, I did- and it's a lot harder! Because I am either all in or all out.

The truth is that a lot in life is in a gray area. If you don't get something quickly, work at it. I try everyday to do "the next right thing", be helpful to others and do something towards my goals. Even if what I want does not always happen, I know life- and everything about it- is a journey. I don't know what's around the corner. I have got to stay disciplined.

By the way, after many burnt, under baked and tasteless cakes, I made an amazing fudge cake this past weekend. I'm not an amazing baker, or a terrible baker. I am somewhere in between, and getting better.

Assignment:
Notice your thoughts. Do you have All-or-Nothing thinking?
Write down 3 examples. Challenge them. They are probably wrong. Most things are not All-or Nothing!

The 12 Steps (Notes From Today's Meeting)

It is important for one in recovery from addiction, to go through the steps with a sponsor.
The beginning steps: focus on building relationship with G-d
The middle steps: focus on repairing relationship with self
The last steps: repairing, building relationship with others

Don't rush the process. Everyone at their own place. I'm still by step one.
For today I will post a few exercises on building a relationship with G-d.

1. Prayer: Daily. A long prayer, or a short one.

2. G-d to G-d: This is when you write a letter to G-d every night. At the end of the week, you write a letter back to yourself as if G-d is responding.

3. Appreciate: notice small events, such as the sunset or a squirrel, in daily life and realize they're gifts from G-d. Smile. murmur a thanks.
 

(Source:  http://7-themes.com/6938050-paddy-field-scenery.html)
4. Paint/Draw: relax and sketch what you want but put a symbol in their for G-d, or dedicate painting/drawing to Him.

Remember G-d cares about you, saved your life. Nobody is put in this world to be an addict. We all have a mission. Let's stay focused on that goal.

Have a great day!

Assignments:
What can you do to improve your relationship with your Higher Power? (2 ideas min.)

What will you do today to build relationship with G-d?

Write a gratitude list.

Coping Skills

Some people's brains are always in fight or flight mode. For those people, doing drugs is understood as a "survival mode" just like food is. That explains why one feels as though he needs the drugs to survive. It is important to train yourself to have other go-to's as means of survival (from intense emotions.) (Note: I do not have direct source for this, as it is in my notes from a class I had in Rehab.. Sorry ;p. Please let me know if you know the source!)                                                                             
I asked some people what their coping skills are.

 Here they are:

1. Cook or Bake
It will take your mind of what you are currently feeling or thinking and makes you focus on something else.

2. Call Someone
Get if off your chest. A listening ear, or perhaps the advice they may give will help.

3. Take A Hot Shower
The hot water (or cold if your prefer) will relax you.

4. Sing "Respect" by Aretha Franklin

5. Draw, sketch or simply scribble on a piece of paper.

7. Sit and focus on one object (Meditation)
Notice everything about it. Remember to breath deeply.

8. Work Out
This can be running up and down steps, lifting weights, going to the gym or simply going out for a walk.

9. Notice your thoughts.
They are probably over exaggerated. Challenge your thoughts. For example, if you lost your job and you're freaking out because you think "I will never find a job again." Think "Is that a proven fact, that once you're fired, you'll never find a job again?" If you think so, maybe ask a friend for another opinion.

10. Remember that time heals. If you can get through this moment you will have accomplished something great, and will be proud of yourself. I sat with my feelings and urges to use while I was in rehab. When the feeling left, it was such a relief that I had not acted on it. I couldn't believe I did so in the past. How foolish and not worth it!

Assignment:
1. What is your go-to coping skill when you are triggered to use or self distruct?

2. When did you do this (example) ? How long did it take? How did you feel afterwards?

Rehab

Rehab made me feel very strong.  I hope this strength never leaves me.
How did it make me strong?
It showed me who I am as a person without a substance in my body. I liked this person. I was social and secure about myself. When I had a craving to use, I sat through it and - wonder of wonders-it passed! I loved those moments. I also connected with others in the same situation as myself. The feeling of community was healing. We need each other in this world, especially addicts who tend to feel alone. I learned we are all in this together, it is our recovery road.